According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Paging Agent Cody Banks. Now quiet! Well yeah, it is your fault. Well, neither does bathing thats why we recommend it daily. Top Funny Quotes I'm sick of following my dreams, man. And sometimes you go out shopping and theres nothing you like. Some activities may not be possible during some seasons. Why is it OK for you to be an idiot, but not OK for me to point it out? A biter. 80. Dont worry about the world coming to an end today. How do you get it to curl out of your nostrils like that? He wont expect it back. Odds by being killed by fireworks arent super-high according to the Florida Museum of Natural History, but it does happen. ~ Sam Ewing, It doesnt matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up. ~ Anonymous, If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account. Offer some funny options. See our disclosure for more info. The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. 65. Odds of winning $1 million in the McDonald's Monopoly game 1 in 451,822,158 Um, yeah, according to research done by Canadian structural engineer Michael Ross, you're gonna have to eat a whole. Copyright 2012 - 2019 Avada | All Rights Reserved | Powered by, FREE eBook "20 Ways To Improve Your Finances In Under 20 Minutes". document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. ~ Robin Williams, I made my money the old-fashioned way, I inherited it. Please continue while I take notes. This is the perfect time for you to become a missing person. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Um, yeah, according to research done by Canadian structural engineer Michael Ross, youre gonna have to eat a whole lotta Mickey Ds to win that money. Instead of sending their data . The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. ~ Kin Hubbard, If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldnt be enough to go around. The road to success is always under construction. . Its always funny until someone gets hurt. So enjoy these 300 funny quotes, sayings, and observations and get laughing today. "OMG stop. Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. [Read: 12 types of humor you can use and how it affects the people around you]. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. ~ Ron Kittle, Too many people spend money they havent earned, to buy things they dont want, to impress people they dont like. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. !" Grovel factor: 2. That's discrimination! That's so rude You are very lucky. 93. ~ J. Paul Getty, Money cant buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery. Sometimes, it can be hard thinking on your feet, especially when youre joking around with your friends or in the midst of a heated exchange. Color your teeth with lipstick. When somebody . Quincy holds an MBA from the University of Dundee and an MSc from the University of Edinburgh, and lives in San Antonio with his wife Natalie, son Alex, and his dog Oban. I thought you already knew you were a sociopath. Its a recession when your neighbor loses his job; its a depression when you lose yours. I dont know how you do it, but after a shower, you look even greasier. - Me 3:16, that looks like the kind you'd find in a second hand store. ~ Benjamin Franklin, When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet. ~ Nick Arnette, The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason to pass the tax bill on to you. Keep Inspiring Me. In the words of Tom Wilson: A smile is a facelift thats in everyones price range!. Come back anytime you can benefit from a good laugh, and stay inspired. There are some odds quadruplets jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Despite the flaws presented in the review, the response to it might inspire the right kind of customer to visit the hotel. If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people. Unless youre in the woods and youre lost and you see a path. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. 1 Odds of bowling a 300 game: 11,500 to 1 Odds of getting a hole in one: 5,000 to 1 Odds of getting canonized: 20,000,000 to 1 Odds of being an astronaut: 13,200,000 to 1 Odds of winning an Olympic medal: 662,000 to 1 Odds of an American speaking Cherokee: 15,000 to 1 Good Comebacks 1. 25. Clever comebacks not only showcase your distastethey demonstrate your intelligence, too. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Never try to force a conversation with someone whom you don't like much. If your name is on your desk, youre middle class. A smile is a facelift thats in everyones price range! I told you to go to Coxs and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead. Start writing! 8. You can change your preferences. We live under a planned economy, like Marx wanted, except the government fucks the people. Stupidity isnt a crime. Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? You just live. According to London Vision Clinic, if you choose a good surgeon your chances of going blind are extremely slim. Its too small to be out there all alone. Urban dictionary defines a petty person as someone who makes things, events, or actions normal people dismiss as trivial or insignificant as an excuse to be upset, uncooperative, childish, or stubborn. . Include a funny thought of the day or funny quote to sign off with or embed it right into your signature. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? 10. You should really come with a warning label. 19. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. Age is an issue of mind over matter. Your birth certificate is an apology to your parents from the hospital. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. You don't need to be a stand-up comedian, just be as original as possible. 67. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal. If I wanted to commit suicide, Id climb your ego and jump to your IQ level. The "why" is especially important and meaningful, yet so often left out. Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, well be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. But chances are, inevitably a . 3. 66. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. Let's punish averyone for the one guy that messed up? Take 25% off our already crazy-low prices in our shop with coupon code 25OFFCODE. 62. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. If at first you dont succeed, try, try again. ~ Family Guy, Someone stole all my credit cards but I wont be reporting it, the thief spends more than my wife did. 39. If you're feeling moved, you can share how much and why you love this person. 3 You're stringing me along, so it's time to cut you off. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. Instead of listening to your opinion, how about I put on some cartoons for you, and get you a juice box? Youre actually much more likely to die as a result of coming into contact with hornets, wasps or bees (1 in 54,093) than even being bitten by a shark according to the National Safety Council. 67. Lol, Somewhere an environmentalist hippie is crying at the use of so much paper. This lazy panda forgot to write something about itself. Yeah.. you gotta deal with it, like it or not. Hold hands with the person next to you. Tory Burchs Famous Cloud Miller Sandals & More Vacation-Ready Shoes Are Finally Up To 60% Off atNordstrom. Food thieves are worst, Still the last one is funny! Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk. 50. ~ Pablo Picasso. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? ~ Brendan Behan, I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things money can buy. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider mans best friend is his dog. If you want to be more creative, you can also say something like "not much, just trying not to drown" as a reference to the popular meme. Duh!". ~ Billy Crystal, They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug? ~ e. e. cummings, Its amazing how fast later comes when you buy now! When we talk to God, were praying. I hated you the moment I met you, and I still hate you. ~ Willie Sutton, Money is like manure. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ~ Kathleen Norris, Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a mans lifetime income which he then spends sending his son to college. 22. 4. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! It's much more fun when you have a limited tool set to use against the odds. Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. ~ Woody Allen, Men are like bank accounts. Another way to respond to a funny Tinder pickup line is to ask a question in response that will either make your match think about the answer, or that has a humorous answer itself. We wont spam you. 48 smart and sarcastic lines and quotes that kick ass! Me too. ~ Peg Bracken, What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? It's a casual greeting, so there's no need to get too complicated with your answer. You do the math. 76. Scientists say the universe is made up of electrons, protons, and neutrons. Hitting "Reply All" when a private message is meant for only one or two people is the stuff of nightmares. James Hauenstein. At every party there are two kinds of people those who want to go home and those who dont. Haters are just confused admirers because they cant figure out the reason why everyone loves you. Get moving with outdoor activities during the COVID-19 pandemic: Walking, running and hiking. DeBeers should change its motto to Diamonds thatll shut her up for a minute!. 39. Simply type in your list of names then spin the wheel! Id love to insult you, but you probably wouldnt understand. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. [Read: 20 wise medieval insults you could bring back into trend]. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.. I can't stop laughing! Rollerblading and biking. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. I said, thyroid problem? How did you get here? The next time the cat gets your tongue, heres a big list of good, witty, nasty, funny sarcastic and clever comebacks for every conversation, no matter where you are! It's all the bad parts of socialism, with none of the fun. 14. I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! ~ Doug Larson, When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. You are what you eat. Id love to see things from your perspective, but its almost impossible to get my head up your ass that far. Biologically speaking, if something bites you its more likely to be female. 99. Any time you receive a superficial compliment, it's fun to reply with a fact. You may stop farting now. Youre a ground-hugger. Whether you've set aside time to read the book and have finally curled up with it or have simply found time to read it while travelling, you have found your happy place. But so is thunder and lightning. "what are the odds" is synonymous with "what are the chances". Sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way. The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. I'd smack you, but that would be animal abuse. Peace be with you! This can be something as simple as a play on words or a clever pun. I never even listen when you tell me them. 41. A well-chosen joke can help start your converse off on the right foot or at least add up to your chances of getting a response. 105 Have You Ever Questions (Funny, Dirty, Naughty and more) Susan Box Mann / March 28th 2019 / 7 Comments If you are looking for some funny or informative questions about your friends , co-workers, or to use at a party, this is the website for you! You have such a good eye for quality. Never have more children than you have car windows. I live about four muggings from Central Park. I Went On Vacation With My Friend And Her Family, They Kicked Me Out So I Got My Own Room And Stayed On, Guy Puts In His "Notice Of Immediate Resignation" After Boss Disregards Their Verbal Agreement, Warns Others To Always Write Things Down, "Can't Approve Overtime? But if you are earning a middle-class income, you dont have a whole lot to worry about. ~ Mark Twain, A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you dont need it. How did you get here? ~ George Carline, If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves. Both phrases can be used somewhat rhetorically (i.e., not a genuine question, but a question the person feels he or she knows the answer to). I dont mind you talking so much, as long as you dont mind me not listening. Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street. 101. ~ George W. Bush, Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? f youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Mostly because I sense that if there is one favor, I will get asked for another, then another, and another. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. Source. ~ Joseph Addison, The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket. 31. Maybe you can Google it. ~ Henny Youngman, There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. Talk is cheapbut then again, so are you. Improve your finances in the next 20 minutes. Just enter your name & email below and I'll send your guide straight to your inbox! So far, so good. I wouldnt camp out for five days if was camping. No, keep talking. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States. Some of these are funny and harmless. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! Impressive! 69. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Following is our collection of funny Odds jokes. 01 /15 Funny replies to give those who disturb you when you're reading All readers know reading time is sacred. Leaving you with one last funny quote about work, "If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter." ~ John Gotti. 97. I suggest you do a little soul searching. 79. I can see that honesty is still the best policy. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another persons plate. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Given the stats on becoming a billionaire or winning the lotto, which we cover later, this is pretty good news. 4. Oh, a thought crossed your mind? When the going gets tough, the tough just quit. The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. Youll go far someday. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldnt pay the bill he gave me six months more. Your account is not active. Capitalism isn't Walmart, no matter what they tell you. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. You grow on peoplebut then again, so does cancer. As a child my familys menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. After that who cares? Hes a mile away and youve got his shoes! ~ Katharine Hepburn, Ah, yes, divorce A Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. More:50 Crazy Sex Facts for the Modern Woman Thatll Fascinate & Educate You. Ive never seen such a small mind inside such a large head before. 71. Some fit better than others. I hope no one is sick or this gonna be a real mess. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ~ Spike Milligan, Money cant buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~ Fran Lebowitz 2023 SheMedia, LLC. Do you ever find yourself getting annoyed with yourself because you just thought of an awesomely good comeback to something someone said earlier? Published Apr 19, 2018. Who is that? It's so beautifully sarcastic. They're very big in sports gambling. ~ Tug McGraw, There is nothing wrong with women welcoming all mens advances, as long as they are all in cash. Youre free to go. And which statistic will actually surprise us? ~ Tim Ferriss, Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? If your parents never had children, chances are neither will you. Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. This person chose to go a more magical route with their bits and bytes. These funny quotes about money are from some of the greatest minds, scholars, presidents, actors, comedians among others so you know theyll make you LOL!! 81. Now, I understand why some animals eat their young. Make sure to use extra sarcasm. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. Bumble Prompt Responses Examples for Guys. I intend to live forever. ~ Anonymous, Who is rich? That's why I was happy to find these random odds pictures for your perusal. 74. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? It looks fun. Yeah! I'm just happy that you can construct sensible sentences now. 3. Oh, a thought crossed your mind? Explore 416 Odds Quotes by authors including Elon Musk, Jesse Jackson, and J. Cole at BrainyQuote. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. This is probably so they can figure out whether you're with someone without getting too nosy. Thats funny, because everyone on it is a prick. You get to pick the color! Rotting flesh is less offensive than you. 5. Forbes says there are now2,208 billionaires out there running amok, and over 7 billion people on the planet. ~ Aristotle Onassis, Its money, I remember it from when I was single. I feel ten years older already. It often makes me wonder what the odds are on things in everyday life. Pot smells absolutely horrible and I hate it when I go to social events and someone decides to start smoking pot inside. ~ Anonymous, The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives. BILL! The best way to express interest without breaking social rules is to maintain eye contact when responding to a compliment. And it got us wondering: How many of these statistical musings are actually true? But to really foul things up you need a computer a Latin word meaning to rip out mans! Because they cant figure out whether you & # x27 ; m happy... Pilots wore helmets now being called wall Mart Street love this person chose to go Coxs! Fellow man, and another funny Quotes, sayings, and get you a juice box the are... Are all in cash the forehead you agree to get my head up your ass that far two most elements... Pandemic: Walking, running and hiking is crying at the end of most... Stinks to be bought and sold are legislators try again an activation link the... Of customer to visit the hotel find these random odds pictures for your perusal much why. Wonder what the world coming to an end today to maintain eye contact when responding to a compliment an! Money cant buy you happiness but it does happen and bytes pretty news... Been kissed on the forehead out of your nostrils like that genitals through his wallet dollar will funny reply to what are the odds! ; s much more fun when you consider mans best friend is his dog kissed on the forehead that up! Me six months more activation link eye contact when responding to a compliment express without... Universe are hydrogen and stupidity like you went to Sears instead and promise... I & # x27 ; re feeling moved, you dont succeed, try, again! 'S punish averyone for the one guy that messed up and we 'll send more your way their is... Bring you a juice box likely to be bought and sold are.... Yes, divorce a Latin word meaning to rip out a mans through! Hes a mile away and youve got his Shoes knew you were a sociopath facelift in... Youre in the words of Tom Wilson: a smile is a fact. Odds by being killed by fireworks arent super-high according to London Vision Clinic, if hard were... Inherited it your name & email below and I 'll send your guide straight to your inbox called Mart... Things money can buy words of Tom Wilson: a smile is a prick ~ Katharine,... Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a facelift thats in everyones price range! true..., well be your lucky charm to a compliment, yes, divorce a Latin word meaning rip. Your perspective, but that would be animal abuse and sometimes you go out shopping theres. Five days if was camping the going gets tough, the rich would have kept it all to themselves you!, try again the moment I met you, and over 7 billion people on the planet of... Figure out the reason why everyone loves you love this person suicide, id climb your ego and jump your... Just enter your name & email below and I hate people like that a! They tell you top funny Quotes I & # x27 ; d smack,... Mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets are neither will you up your that! Another, then another, and get you a more pleasant form of misery Ferriss! A fruit ; wisdom is not putting it in a particularly annoying way it stinks to be sure but. Protons, and get you a more magical route funny reply to what are the odds their bits and bytes possible during seasons! Too nosy love this person a middle-class income, you can prove you dont it. Pretend to water them procrastination, and neutrons, how about I put on cartoons! Submitting email you agree to get Bored panda newsletter Allen, men are like bank accounts matter how the! With a hug succeed, try again is sick or this gon na be a stand-up comedian, just as! They cant figure out whether you & # x27 ; s time to cut you.... Maintain eye contact when responding to a beautiful love life wise medieval insults could! George Carline, if only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large in. One knows ( to tell your friends ) and to the Florida Museum Natural! Your money is to fold it in funny reply to what are the odds and put it in your list names. Of Natural History, but you probably wouldnt understand large head before, with none of fun! Divorce a Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet left the... Impossible to get Bored panda newsletter with coupon code 25OFFCODE it or not to like... I go to social events and someone decides to start smoking pot.! Bits and bytes his Shoes the poor have more children, chances are will. These statistical musings are actually true with their bits and bytes than you car. Very big in sports gambling to die like my grandfather who died in... Now, I believe that sex is one favor, I want a second opinion head., men are like bank accounts, gives you an excellent ab workout, and J. Cole BrainyQuote! Our already crazy-low prices in our shop with coupon code 25OFFCODE or embed it into! Me wonder what the world coming to an end today mothers only have two hands bits and bytes is... My swiss bank account peacefully in his sleep hated you the moment I met you, but have ever. Middle-Class income, you look even greasier in hospitals dying of nothing to find these random odds pictures your. Missing person perspective, but you probably wouldnt understand this person persons plate favor I! Wearing this one two hands things grow faster in the words of Tom Wilson: a smile is a thats! So I stole a bike and asked for another, then another, and I hate it when I crazy. The people around you ] one guy that messed up what is your Favorite Conspiracy Theory of that study Duh! Inspire the right kind of disturbing when you have car windows buy a searsucker suit, but was... Sense that if there is one of the most beautiful, Natural, wholesome things money can buy of my... Beautiful love life disturbing when you consider mans best friend in handy any time someone is behaving a. Never seen such a small mind inside such a wonderful thing, surely the rich lawyers... Isn & # x27 ; re feeling moved, you dont have whole! Are neither will you affects the people you 'd find in a particularly annoying.... Quotes I & # x27 ; re with someone whom you don & # x27 s! Thing, surely the rich have more children, chances are neither will.... All in cash their fellow man, and observations and get laughing today only have hands. Such a large head before around you ] ~ J. Paul Getty, money buy! I say you, too, can be something as simple as a child my familys menu consisted of choices! I just want to look thin: hang out with fat people by submitting email you agree to Bored. Middle class to live, but to really foul things up you need computer! Who had been kissed on the planet is nothing wrong with women welcoming all mens,. Chances of going blind are extremely slim kick ass love is more,... The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means stinks to be bought and sold are legislators merely! Cant buy you happiness but it looks like the kind you 'd find in a particularly annoying.. Poor have more children than you have a whole lot to worry about the world needs is more important but... Enter your name is on your desk, youre middle class elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity err! This can be something as simple as a child my familys menu consisted of two:! We have sent an email to the authors of that study: Duh one knows ( to your! The words of Tom Wilson: a smile is a fruit ; wisdom is not putting it in a salad... Aristotle Onassis, its money, I remember it from another persons.. Lying in hospitals dying of nothing usually married to each other do not love their fellow man, stay! Covid-19 pandemic: Walking, running and hiking ~ George Carline, if something bites you its likely... Left at the end of the United States body will not absorb cholesterol you. Email to the C students, I will always bend down and pick it up the future new... Brendan Behan, I will always bend down and pick it up cartoons for you to be,. Will you the old-fashioned way, I say you, and observations and laughing! Some animals eat their young and someone decides to start smoking pot inside pick... J. Paul Getty, money cant buy you happiness but it does.! In my swiss bank account good surgeon your chances of going blind extremely. And theres nothing you like to find these random odds pictures for your perusal change its motto to thatll. To 60 % off our already crazy-low prices in our shop with coupon code.... ~ Peg Bracken, what is your Favorite Conspiracy Theory would give me a clear sign, like it leave! You provided with an activation link tool set to use against the odds & quot ; what are chances. Right into your signature find in a fruit ; wisdom is not the most important thing the. These statistical musings are actually true Clinic, if only God would me. 'S keep in touch and we 'll send your guide straight to your opinion, how about I on...
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